“Read the Fine Print” - theHumm November 2016

By Glenda Jones

Come on, Nellie girl. Either I’m getting shorter, or you’re an even higher horse now than a couple of years ago. We’re going to start out slowly so we can enjoy the last days of Ind… no, no, last sunny days of late October. Nearly slipped there, sorry.

Up here on my high horse, I can see far and wide; I just can’t see up close and personal! This morning I needed a cleaning product I haven’t used in a while. It should have been easy; the instructions were right there on the back. It said “Directions” and “Caution” and “In case of emergency”. However, that’s as far as I could get, as the print was so small. It must have been important to have needed so many words, but for the life of me, it was illegible. Not only was it written in teensy print, it was on a blue background, which looked great as part of the label design, but not so good for actual people use. Disgusted, I gave up, guessed, and tossed in what should have been a goodly amount of cleaner, only to discover I’d used twice what I needed and had foaming mess everywhere.

Getting out the mop, I needed a new head on it. There are instructions on the handle for inserting the new one, but you have to hold the handle just right, force it down while still reading the next step of instructions, and then find the proper angle for inserting the new mop piece. The tiny arrows are supposed to be easy to see, and after doing it wrong the first time, I did find them. Water, soap, wet mop, bucket, all too much!

That led to a major headache, sending me for the aspirin container. It’s now a handy bottle with a lid almost like a little tap, so it’s easy for oldsters to remove. Obviously, the manufacturer is aware of seniors’ needs, right? I could see the tablets are extra strength, and there were 24 in the bottle. That was it! There are three lines of red lettering, sixteen in black, all in a tiny space of 2cm. (There is an equal amount of French writing, none of it decipherable). But wait, if I squint, there is one line I’d better try to see: Ah yes, “Read carton for important information before use.” Of course, the carton was tossed long ago. Dosage is listed on the bottle, so that will have to suffice. However, it’s in even smaller printing, so do I risk one pill or two? “Caution” gives blah, blah or something. However the website is in print I can see. It’s enough to give a person a headache right there.

No detail is left out on that little label: phone number, website, logo — even company address right down to postal code are easy to see — but the important stuff is relegated to miniscule print that contains life-altering cautionary admonitions too serious to overlook. “Do not take if…” should be in big print, right on the front. I suppose it’s some legal thing that makes it mandatory to list the risks, but if they are really serious shouldn’t they be in BIG print on the front of the bottle?

I’m going to dispense with the pills — too risky when the label doesn’t help me. I think instead I’ll settle for a glass of wine and a good book. We bought a new variety of wine last week, one with a fancy label. It’s always good to read the little blurb on the back, as sometimes it can be quite informative. Not this one. The label is black with gold and white print so intricate it’s impossible to ascertain the “terroire”, the “top notes of flavour” or even if the stuff is half-way decent. (Well, that one we could discover on the first taste.)

I am tempted by the travel ads to exotic places. The ads for air travel can read like a novel with the title in fancy letters, bold colours, and winsome pictures, but at the bottom the real reading begins with all the details about booking dates, seat availability, luggage allowances, airport taxes, and rules and regulations and what happens if you miss your flight, and of course how to contact the website. The large print gives you the good part — how you’ll be relaxing in a villa in Spain in no time at all and at such little cost as to be practically FREE. The fine print makes it sound like you’d better be travelling with a suitcase of cash to cover the peripherals.

I know it’s completely out of fashion, but I rely on the phone book, especially what is commonly referred to as the Large Print one we get for our own area. (Please, I implore you: don’t give up your landline, or I’ll never be able to find you!) It’s got a handy little map in the front that is really useful because you can see the names of the streets without running for a magnifying glass. Here’s what we do to use the big map. We unfold it all over the counter, get out the BIG magnifying glass, perch our glasses higher up our noses, hunt for the location in the tiny printed list, and then get out the BIGGER plastic magnifying plate to actually find it on the map. Is it any wonder we resort to Google the Explorer to see where we’re going? I love a big map, but the tiny print defeats me.

Oops, I see the sign up ahead. It’s a colourful little sign about Canada 2017, with blah, blah about sponsor or something. And right below is a BIG sign for the Turner/Wilson wedding. What do you say we head on over there, Nellie? At least we could read the sign!

Wendy Southin — Altering the Definition of Jewellery - theHumm November 2016

By Sally Hansen

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The human penchant for jewellery/jewellery (either is correct spelling in Canada) literally knows no beginning and it certainly isn’t coming to an end. A quote from ...more

The Mudds Present Mary Poppins (& Bert Too!) - theHumm November 2016

They’re baaaack! Last seen as adversaries in the comical courtroom musical The People vs Mona — as well as the dysfunctional King and Queen in Once Upon a Mattress; rekindling childhood romance o......

“Read the Fine Print” - theHumm November 2016