Don’t Say That! - theHumm March 2020

By Glenda Jones

Old Nellie has been in the barn all winter and she’s getting spring fever, so it’s time to saddle up the old girl and get on my high horse for a trot around the countryside. Riding can be a pain in the butt for those of us who don’t get out often enough, so this saddle will likely bring out all the complaints I’ve been storing up for the past couple of months.

If I hear the phrase “the vast majority” one more time, I think I’ll have to assign the perpetrators to a statistics course. The majority is an amount more than half. Just go with that; no adjectives required. The adjective “vast” isn’t needed at all! As an aside, journalists are taught that adjectives muddy the waters of good reporting, and further tend to indicate a bias on the part of the reporter. Remember the old Dragnet series? Joe Friday used to say, “Just the facts, Ma’am”, and that’s all I want too. If it’s the “vast majority”, I want to know if it’s 52% or 98%. “Vastness” makes me think the perpetrator has scoured the land east west south and north to come up with every known opinion he can garner.

Are there burrs on this saddle? I’m in pain here! “Unfortunately” I can’t get off this horse until the ride is over. “Unfortunately” has become the catch phrase for customer service people when they don’t want to give you that little perk you know you should have. “Unfortunately” actually means, “Nope, not this time. I can’t be bothered getting you the service you deserve. Waayyy too much trouble for little me!” Rules are meant to be broken if it is what a customer needs, especially a customer of a certain age, when the service person is knee-high to the proverbial grasshopper! I am noting of late that a sweet little old lady smile, and the little addition of “Well, unfortunately I will be going somewhere else” has gotten me a long way. Surprisingly fast changes come about then, especially when I add that of course I’ll be posting this unfortunate service on social media. Don’t mess with the old ladies!

We’re heading into elections, and a plethora of inane phrases. Interviewers are working diligently to educate the public. Imagine their pride when one of their questions gets this accolade: “That’s a very good question”. Have you ever heard the host reply, “Why, thank you. I spent hours formulating that in the fervent hope that you might give me a straight answer instead of evaluating my ability to be a journalist”? We recognize that the politician has to get his brain in gear before answering with the stock phrases they store for such occasions.

Here he goes: “Obviously, that issue is of the utmost importance to us, and we’re working hard to resolve it.” First off, “obviously” denotes a condescending attitude towards an audience assumed to be naïve and uninformed. Secondly, if every issue is of the utmost importance, how are they prioritized? Surely not every issue is on the top of the heap. And thirdly, the ubiquitous “we are working hard”. I wonder if employees only work hard when they are bashed over the head with a big issue. Do they slack off most times? Do they now have to do without coffee breaks and maybe work overtime? Are they on a deadline to solve an issue? No. None of that; they simply are putting in the nine to five, passing the load to the next fellow, and wiping their brows when the politicians come by the desk. It’s a ruse, this working very hard, and the solutions will only take a couple of years… at which time they might have to work hard again. Want to see hard work? Follow a farmer for a few days; or watch the mother of toddlers.

Yikes, Nellie, not so fast here, old girl!

Agencies in our midst are formulating plans for the improvement of everything from sidewalk cleaning to youth addiction by touting phrases that sound like “looking at infrastructure through the seniority/gender non-specific familial lens” (which means it’s seniors and parents with strollers who use the sidewalks), or “family-oriented open dialogue relating to societal peer groups and authority figures” (which means they’re going to have kids, parents, school teachers and the police in a room together). Just the facts, Ma’am!

Don’t obfuscate every issue with complicated language that hinders the conveyance of ideas. If you don’t know, just say so; if you do, then tell it like it is. Don’t snow us with cotton wool phrases that have no relevance to the answers. Don’t hammer us with trite slogans you repeat like some demented parrot on a perch.

Okay, we’re back at the barn. Time to get off this horse and walk her around ’til we’re both calm again. Is it any wonder she doesn’t like to see me heading her way?

The sun is shining here in the paddock, and there are geese overhead. So here are some things I do hope you’ll say. Say “I love you” more often than you do now. Say “thank you” even for a tiny thing. Say “Yes” more often than “No”. And for sure say “I’ll try” way more often than “I can’t”.

The Magical Imagination of Mária Moldován - theHumm March 2020

By Sally Hansen

Art… and Soul

The mere mention of Transylvania anywhere in the Anglosphere immediately conjures up the occult adventures of Dracula. Having never met anyone from Transylvania before, your intrepid arts reporter was both mesmerized and intimidated by my utter lack of knowledge of the background of this month’s featured artist from Arnprior.

Mária Moldován’s astonishing art is as unfamiliar as her background — and just as fascinating. This accomplished and multi-talented artist weaves he......

Don’t Say That! - theHumm March 2020